Can I tell you, I don't know how any of this will work? Ok, well, I don't know how this will work. I wonder if Joshua had similar thoughts when the Commander of the Lord's Army gave him the orders to march around the city of Jericho.
"What?? March around the city once a day for 6 days and then on the 7th march around it seven times and then yell... oh and have the priests blow their horns?" No wonder God told Joshua so many times to be strong and courageous and reassured Joshua's heart continually that He would fight the battle and the victory was already won. Looking out at all of those nations must have filled Joshua with an unnerving sense of impossibility. (I just finished Joshua, by the way, and it was so good, I kind of want to read it again.)
3 months ago my life made sense. I had clear thoughts and I didn't know it would be possible to love anymore than I loved at that moment. In a little over one week that confidence was completely blown out of the water and as I flew over Michigan towards Chicago I struggled to remember something, anything of what that confidence in the will of the God felt like. I felt like I had been drop-kicked in a sea of ambiguety. Being certain of two things/plans that don't seemingly relate to each other.
God has been so faithful to fill in the holes here and there, as He deems necessary, but there is still this huge gaping hole of "how" that my heart is suddenly begging to know. Because even in the midst of feeling sure of where I am to be right now I cannot shake this feeling of being unsettled and at times a fear of getting settled, only to be uprooted shortly thereafter.
I knew that this was going to be hard, but sometimes I'll sit in a room with my family think of how one day this won't be possible. Last night I was filled with the new knowledge that in the midst of all the other Kingdom reasons for being in Tipton County, Tennessee, God has given me the gift of living with my family once more, before I never will again.
Jim Elliot said, "The will of God is always a bigger deal than we bargin for," and as I sit typing and tears roll down my face, I can honestly say that I feel that to the depth of my being.
But how? It's impossible. We're talking about impossibly strong stubbornness and hurt feelings. How can anyone but an Almighty God clean up the mess that has been made and I know for certain that I had a hand in?
People's stories are usually so simple: *inhale* meet, fall in like, date/court (the lines of what the difference between the two of them have been blurring more and more for me lately), fall in love, proclaim said love, get engaged, plan wedding, get married, plan to not have kids for 5 years, have kids 3 years or more earlier than that, and begin the juggle of marriage, parenting, Christianity and paying the bills. *exhale*
Honestly, sounds a bit cookie-cutter from my angle, but it's alure is the little to no anguish or complication. I don't know if my story is different because I can handle the anguish of waiting and struggle or if it's simply because God chose this for me and I asked for that I long time ago.
I've always been a rebel in this aspect. While more Christians rebel against being Christian-like, I've always rebelled and strove to be Christ-like. I wanted to be like Paul and Joshua, Esther and Ruth. People who didn't lead normal lives.
The thing is, none of us are called to live "normal" lives. We're not even called to be normal. That's boring and the Christian life was never meant to be boring. If you're life in Christ is boring then you must have quit talking and listening to God, because he's fascinating and his plans are breathtaking even when they're heartwrenching.
Angus Buchan said, "For a miracle to occur, it takes difficulty. For a great miracle: impossibility."
At the beginning of reading the book of Joshua, God pointed out to me that most people know what this life that they are meant to live will cost them, but that few are willing to pay it. He knows that I'm willing to pay it and that I can pay it. However much I struggle, however many questions I ask or tears that I cry, He know that I am His and that He is mine.
He's got me like no one else ever will.
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