And then there are those times to mourn...

Sometimes there isn't a reason for change.
Sometimes what we love gets taken away without an explanation.
Things outside our control shift upsetting our rhythm and we are unavoidably interrupted.
Can these things be a blessing?
Is there any point in trying to explain our situation, pain, or grief from loss?

Sometimes we need a reason to cope. I fall into that category 8 times out of 10.
This is one of those two times when I don't want to know. I know I didn't do anything wrong, so as long as there's nothing to fix, I'll be fine.
I don't want to hear about how if this happens, *maybe* this will happen. I don't want to be reminded that I will have things to learn from all of this. I don't want to be told that eventually I'll be happy for the change. I don't even want to be encouraged to move on and forget the loss.

I'm not going to be able to sing at Main Services anymore. I won't even get to go to most 9'o'clock services. It's over. The opportunity is taken away. The decision was made and it affected me in a way that is limiting to my opportunities. We can't make it work. I can't shirk my responsibilities in Student Ministries (nor do I want to). That's how it is. It's done.

My only danger in this is my constant reflex to build walls. This isn't premeditated. I don't even have to try.
Pain!->Wall!
Faster than instant pudding. Faster than instant oatmeal. Than Minute Rice (which ironically takes longer than a minute....).
I have to actively take them down.

I can promise that I will get over the irrational feelings of betrayal. I can promise you that I won't get depressed. I can promise you that my emotions won't guide my actions.
I can also promise you that every Sunday, I'll feel the loss. I can promise you that every accidental email that used to be for me, but isn't anymore... will cause a minor pain in my chest.

If we never enjoy the pain of losing that which we love, how can we possibly know how good it is and how much joy we get from that things that once brought us the joy, and the things that will bring us joy.

I'm not suggesting we wallow, as Loralei Gilmore would advise, but I am suggesting we mourn. Ecclesiates 3:1-8 says ....
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace."

Mourning isn't the sin, it's allowing bitterness to seep in, take root and poison your heart.
Ultimately, you quote Job: "You give and take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

There is hope for healing and hope for understanding, and room now to dream outside of your plans and to ask God, "What do you want me to do with this time?"
People who go numb can't receive the comfort of God's healing presence that comes their way.
So in light of all of that, I say, "Yes, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." (Lady Antebellum)

Sojourners in a Temporary Home

"This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going. I'm not afraid because I know, this is my temporary home."
It sounds cheesy, and I rebel against the concept like nobody's business (because the phrase is so over used), but music/songs do have a tendency to inspire me. And I can pretty much predict that I will have a song to link to every entry I post. (but no one reads this right now, so whatever I want right? ;b)
Carrie Underwood wrote a song on her latest album, "Play On", called "Temporary Home". The song tells three stories: a little boy in foster care, a single mom living in a halfway house, and an old man on his death bed. All three share the same idea:

"This is my temporary home.
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop on the way to where I'm goin'.
I'm not a afraid because I know, this is my temporary home."

In the Christian life, we really never arrive. Our lives can never really mirror a Disney fairy tale, when you reach a point, "achieve your dream" and after that you "live happily ever after." That is, until we reach Heaven. And I'm not saying we lead sad or even apathetic existences. It's just that our lives and dreams constantly shift when you actively pursue God. As I observe the lives of men and women of God that I deeply admire, whom have given me great models of lives lived in reckless abandon, they never stay the same and they never do the same thing.
They move to different countries, deny themselves of the the things they want, change the way they do ministry, and lead hopelessly passionate lives. To the world they are fools, but to the godly they are the wisest people I know.

And it never ends.

They just keep giving. They keep defying the skeptics. They push their limits and accomplish what they thought they couldn't, but do because they rely completely on God for strength. Life keeps going and at times you feel exhausted, but God is faithful and provides rest and peace and joy and the fortitude to keep moving forward toward our ultimate home.

Then we get to live happily ever after. Truly, endlessly happily ever after. We won't ever have to work at it. Effortless.

But this- our temporary home- it's a good place to be. There are joys to be had. Adventure to endeavor. Victories to enjoy. Moving along, pursuing a worthy God.

God is.... well, he's a lot of things, but my favorite is that he's good.

"His Good Pleasure"

Tim McGraw sings "Just to see you smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to." This is truly a romanic gesture, and one that every girl and guy longs to have promised to them.
Sometimes I get the impression that God feels the same way, and has more than proven that fact in all the blessings, answered prayers and gifts given of grace, forgiveness, love and hope. More so than we could possibly fathom, know, or understand.

I've asked God a lot of questions pertaining to why I'm still single. I know people that love me ask God that question too. On all outside appearances it doesn't make sense to my feeble mind. I've done everything his way, why doesn't he bless me? Then I quickly retract my faithless thoughts, knowing he has blessed me a thousand times over and I couldn't possibly know the extent of them. I know a few reasons why, and I've made up a few as well. To my family, I'm lazy, unsocial, too picky, with standards that are unrealistic... I'm really busy with church. I run around constantly, focused on my girls and our student worship leaders. Then there's the DR trips. I understand that with all of this, I couldn't possibly start a family. And I am picky with really high standards, but that seems logical in light of all that is at stake in building a family, and linking your life with someone for the rest of your life. More than my feelings are a factor, but I digress... That's not what I wanted to talk about. My dearest friend Lori told mea few weeks ago via email that I was "set apart for His good pleasure and purpose." Now, the purpose part I knew (how many times have I heard and told myself: "God has a plan"?), but the "good pleasure" part- that caught me.

"His good pleasure"... I never considered the fact that my purity and obedience to Him made Him smile. That maybe he was keeping me this way as a testament to his goodness. I'm not bragging. I've done nothing but say okay to whatever new he desires to set me apart. He provides the strength and the foresight, as well as insight, to see that His way is and is going to be best. I know myself well enough to know that without it, I wouldn't be this way. I'm not good enough on my own.
"Just to see You smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to." Doesn't that seem like the proper response to a King who gave up everything to have a REAL relationship with a peasant who couldn't even buy her needs let alone her Freedom?

So I don't date. Not just because I have too much to do and am focusing on my relationship with God, but because I gave God all rights and control in my life. I can't take matters into my own hands, because I believe Him and in His goodness. And I won't kiss until my wedding day, but not because I'm afraid of "going too far"- it's because He wants me to wait. So I said okay.
And these things make Him smile.

Jesus doesn't just want you to love the poor, feed the hungry, and care about people you've never met. Does your life honor him? Do you respond to His promptings of molding yourself more to Him and alienating yourself from a world that is not your home with "Okay, just to see you smile."?

This just made my waiting so much more bearable. I can't even tell you. Is it going to make it a breeze? Of course not! When you want something, waiting is hard! Just because you love and trust Jesus, it doesn't mean you go numb. It just makes my questions of "when?" seem pointless. Who cares, now? If it makes God happy for me to be in this situation, okay. When it changes, he'll be displaying his goodness in a different way. But he's always, ALWAYS good.
I can just see Him winking at the angels as He rolls up His sleeves to show me the next steps to give Him glory. He whispers in my ear, "Watch this," and then He smiles.
He actually does this on a regular basis... ;)

1st post

I almost feel silly.
"Why would anyone want to read what I write?" I'm asking myself.

Part of my getting it anyways is to "follow" my friends blogs. :)

We'll see how this goes. :)