Tennessee changed me. Strange how places you feel you don't belong in have a way of influencing you. Outside of the occasional twang to the words that I say, I was driving down the road and I realized that I avoid main highways, and opt for the less traveled country roads. I like the scenery, and the way the roads wind.
I used to say that I was a Mid-West Illinois type of girl. I'm not sure I can say that now.
I liked very little about living in the state of Tennessee but I've been wondering lately if it is mainly because I didn't have a ministry purpose. I had resigned from a church feeling like I had been a thorn in their side, went to work at Starbucks (didn't always love that), and often cried out to God, "Is this what you have for me?"
Of course it wasn't permanently, but it was for right then. I would often blame the area I was in for my frustration and I'm sure that was just me projecting my frustration with my discontent on Tipton County. It drove me mad at times how content they were with all the problems they had and how apathetic they were to fix them. Those that attempted to make things better are at times discouraged or mildly threatened to back off. It drove me mad because I had there answer and I didn't have a place to communicate it. It wasn't even the people so much as the apathy I saw in them. I was in the wilderness, and God had not given me a position of teaching, exhorting or service. Covington was my desert, and there was little I liked about it. (The fact that there isn't a Target didn't help their case :op I'm kidding.)
The desert and the wilderness is where God forms you though.
I learned to slow down in Tennessee. I read a lot. I spent a lot of time with my family. I learned the value of people over tasks, and that traditions give us heritage and when valued rightly the ability to move forward with strong roots.Not a ton has changed externally, but internally I'm deeper than I ever was. I'll never be able to fully explain it, but when I was thirsty I drank up truth. And through this drought I dug until I accessed a well hidden deep within me that has kept me from dehydrating when things get rough now. This well bursts scripture into my head when I need a reminder and fills me with boldness to speak truth. It guides me in being able to communicate and teach people to love God. It's like I had only ever tapped into it before and now it gushes out of me.
I almost don't understand why I was the way I was before. Then I remind myself of God's timing and how good and brilliant he is.
I now find myself in Illinois, the land of my upbringing, and I feel slightly out of place. :op. (I'll never fit in anywhere. ha!) Everyone fills their schedules to the brim, even at church. I totally fell into it. We feel accomplished when our week is packed. We talk about how much we value people, but we have to schedule time with them, and we give them, what, 2 hours to pour out their hearts over Starbucks? I don't think a lot of the people I know think of their house as their place of living. It's where they sleep.
I've begun to see the apathy in some of their hearts, too, though. Externally they're busy and at work, but internally they groan at the idea of growing and being stretched. I just didn't see deeper before.
At least I've got Target 15 minutes from my house now. :)
I'll leave you with this, though: that place where you're at that rubs you raw and you can't see God's plan is right where he wants you right now. Quit fighting him, because you are by holding onto your concepts of his plan for your life. He is working out your kinks and molding you more and more into his likeness. Through that he shows you your next steps. Through that he purifies your heart. Through that you learn to truly delight yourself in him, because you know of his goodness and faithfulness. And through that, your heart becomes more like his, you'll desire what He desire and then those desires can be granted.
I'm standing on the threshold of a beautiful dream that he placed in me 8 years ago and now is pushing me to pursue. One that I don't have to turn back over to him, because I refuse to take it out of his hands. He holds it out and I say, "Father, only allow me to help you." To which he has answered, "Child, I picked you to help me. I want you to do this. Abide in me and I will make your joy complete."
I would not be able to had he not formed me in Tennessee. He has tried me and counted me worthy. I don't know if I agree, but I'll choose to believe him wherever I am.
