Something's Missing

"If I find within myself a desire that no experience in this world can satisfy, then the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis

"At the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms."

God desires our brokeness.

Only, though, if we refuse to be molded. Like that sheep that keeps wandering away from safety, the shepard will break the sheeps leg so that it will learn to stay near the shepard.

I don't believe that God broke me this time. This time someone else did, and he is requiring me to let me let him be my healer. To keep me from building walls that will keep people out and ultimately Him. He's going to be my cast, if you will. He'll keep my heart from healing crooked, and becoming bitter, jaded, or pitiful. He'll keep me from trying to protect myself- after all I do a terrible job, anyways. Above all, he'll have me healed and stronger than I was before to be ready for what he has in store for me.

Sometimes I still hurt, and I'm sure that even healed fully I'll have the scar. However scars don't have to be a reminder of the pain inflicted- they can be a reminder of the healing that occurred. Being ready for what will come as a result of the breaking, "setting", and healing would be impossible without this invitation from God:

"Call to me and I will answer you,

and I will tell you great and hidden things that you have no known."

Jeremiah 33:3

*Sigh* I'm not sure I'll ever understand the Lord and his ways. I can't even see how this will be for my good, but I know that it will be. He's been so faithful to share with me how what is being required of me will be used.

I trust God.

If you can say that without a "but" to follow, that's a guaranteed beautiful ending.

ugh... crazy week.

tomorrow for sure... ;)

Pinky Promise

I promise I will update and write tomorrow. Promise!

Life Is A Highway

Your life can take so many different directions. For some it never shifts gears out of neutral, due to comfort zones and fear of change. For the vast majority of us, though, we put our lives in drive and head off in various directions. Inside that group is a group that decided to not plan a course, but rather follow their Creator's directions. This takes ultimate faith and reckless abandon of your own wants and desires. Declaring that this is something you want is one thing, but choosing to be steadfast in the moments where you feel faint, that's where you really decide to give Him control. I can't even begin to tell of the moments I asked him where I was going. The conversations about what I thought He wanted and what was or wasn't happening are so raw and exposing of the rotten condition of my heart, most of you wouldn't know me if you read/heard them.
Those are the moments that made me who I am. If you're wondering, or have ever wondered how I got here (which, for the record, isn't quite yet where I want to be), it's a result of those moments. I chose to trust a God that I can't see, that I can't even tangibly prove exists. I don't know anything about science, and I haven't studied the archeological evidence of his work- although I believe both, but you couldn't ever possibly talk me out of his existence and the moving of his Spirit in my life.
I shouldn't have survived the heartache that I have. The pain and anguish that my heart has undergone should have rendered me a bitter, jaded prune of a woman, and yet... I have healing. I have an intense desire to fight for people and relationships.
I have moved more than I would ever like to- I hate moving, for the record- and I know that I will make even more difficult moves in my life. It's the path He's put me on and I wouldn't know what to do if he put me in one spot doing the same thing for the rest of my life. ha!
How can I express what a good God that I serve? I feel as though my heart may burst from the love I hold for him. A love I couldn't ever give to anyone else. Because when everyone failed me, there he was. When I didn't understand the movement of his will, I held on to the fact that he was good, and I came out on the other side, looking back seeing that faith proven well placed. Seeing even that he had been more faithful to me, than I to him.

I don’t need to see it to believe it
Cause I can’t shake this fire burning
Deep inside my heart

This life is Yours and hope is rising
As Your glory floods our hearts
Let love tear down these walls
That all creation would
Come back to You
It’s all for You

Your Name is glorious
Glorious
Your love is changing us
Calling us
To worship in spirit and in truth
As all creation returns to You

So! Here's what I have to say:
Don't live your life in neutral. Don't even live it planning your own course.
He's calling you to more than you can imagine.
The cool part is that it won't look anything like the life to which he's calling me. You could never leave the church or geographical region that he placed you in at birth. Or you could end in a place you never even thought you'd visit or working at a church that is so different than what you thought you'd be comfortable in, but he'll stretch you and you'll grow. He'll develop new gifts in you and perfect the ones you already have. You'll be exactly where you've always wanted to be and, at times, places you wouldn't even put people you don't like.

It'll all be worth it. After all, "nothing is a waste of time if it adds to the person you are,"

and in the end you get intimacy with the God of the universe who, for reasons I don't understand, just wants to be with us and tell us his plans. (see John 15)

I'll take it. :)

"Because these things will change, can you feel it now?"

Can I say for the record that I like change?

I cannot be linked into the massive group of people that don't like change. I've heard it said, "Well, nobody likes change." Now you can say, "No, I know someone who likes it."

Transition is awkward, so I'm not a huge fan. Or the moments leading up to change and transition... I don't like those so much either.

Change though... that's fun. "Wherever God leads" are the most adventurous daring words in the English language. It's what keeps you from being stagnant, too comfortable and apathetic. I like being slightly uncomfortable, always moving, and caring so much that my heart might burst and I need to go home to be alone to contain it.
How could you live any other way? How could you possibly give everything of yourself that you're meant to if you don't live this way?

When I was praying about taking the job in Tennessee, I worried about my girls in Illinois. I'll never forget those conversations with God. Me throwing out a reason to not take the job and God answering with a way that he would have that concern taken care of, making my reason an excuse. One of the things he said to me concerning my girls was, "How can you lead them as you're supposed to, if you aren't following me?"
Our life in Christ is supposed to be led by him, others moving in and out of our influence, but that doesn't mean that we lose contact. (Besides, we can always creep on them via Facebook. :p) Ergo, unless we let go, we can't lose those God places in our paths.
And God's right (imagine that). How could I show my girls a life that trusts God completely unless I act on that trust I have in him?

Change will happen and this is a great opportunity for me to show the girls how God takes care of you and how he has amazing plans for our lives. I am loving every minute of it. :)

Girl Named Tennessee

Tennessee changed me.
Strange how places you feel you don't belong in have a way of influencing you. Outside of the occasional twang to the words that I say, I was driving down the road and I realized that I avoid main highways, and opt for the less traveled country roads. I like the scenery, and the way the roads wind.
I used to say that I was a Mid-West Illinois type of girl. I'm not sure I can say that now.
I liked very little about living in the state of Tennessee but I've been wondering lately if it is mainly because I didn't have a ministry purpose. I had resigned from a church feeling like I had been a thorn in their side, went to work at Starbucks (didn't always love that), and often cried out to God, "Is this what you have for me?"
Of course it wasn't permanently, but it was for right then. I would often blame the area I was in for my frustration and I'm sure that was just me projecting my frustration with my discontent on Tipton County. It drove me mad at times how content they were with all the problems they had and how apathetic they were to fix them. Those that attempted to make things better are at times discouraged or mildly threatened to back off. It drove me mad because I had there answer and I didn't have a place to communicate it. It wasn't even the people so much as the apathy I saw in them. I was in the wilderness, and God had not given me a position of teaching, exhorting or service. Covington was my desert, and there was little I liked about it. (The fact that there isn't a Target didn't help their case :op I'm kidding.)

The desert and the wilderness is where God forms you though.

I learned to slow down in Tennessee. I read a lot. I spent a lot of time with my family. I learned the value of people over tasks, and that traditions give us heritage and when valued rightly the ability to move forward with strong roots.
Not a ton has changed externally, but internally I'm deeper than I ever was. I'll never be able to fully explain it, but when I was thirsty I drank up truth. And through this drought I dug until I accessed a well hidden deep within me that has kept me from dehydrating when things get rough now. This well bursts scripture into my head when I need a reminder and fills me with boldness to speak truth. It guides me in being able to communicate and teach people to love God. It's like I had only ever tapped into it before and now it gushes out of me.
I almost don't understand why I was the way I was before. Then I remind myself of God's timing and how good and brilliant he is.
I now find myself in Illinois, the land of my upbringing, and I feel slightly out of place. :op. (I'll never fit in anywhere. ha!) Everyone fills their schedules to the brim, even at church. I totally fell into it. We feel accomplished when our week is packed. We talk about how much we value people, but we have to schedule time with them, and we give them, what, 2 hours to pour out their hearts over Starbucks? I don't think a lot of the people I know think of their house as their place of living. It's where they sleep.
I've begun to see the apathy in some of their hearts, too, though. Externally they're busy and at work, but internally they groan at the idea of growing and being stretched. I just didn't see deeper before.
At least I've got Target 15 minutes from my house now. :)

I'll leave you with this, though: that place where you're at that rubs you raw and you can't see God's plan is right where he wants you right now. Quit fighting him, because you are by holding onto your concepts of his plan for your life. He is working out your kinks and molding you more and more into his likeness. Through that he shows you your next steps. Through that he purifies your heart. Through that you learn to truly delight yourself in him, because you know of his goodness and faithfulness. And through that, your heart becomes more like his, you'll desire what He desire and then those desires can be granted.

I'm standing on the threshold of a beautiful dream that he placed in me 8 years ago and now is pushing me to pursue. One that I don't have to turn back over to him, because I refuse to take it out of his hands. He holds it out and I say, "Father, only allow me to help you." To which he has answered, "Child, I picked you to help me. I want you to do this. Abide in me and I will make your joy complete."
I would not be able to had he not formed me in Tennessee. He has tried me and counted me worthy. I don't know if I agree, but I'll choose to believe him wherever I am.