The Price of Being Queen

I would like to be queen.

When I've been asked: "If you could be anything or do anything that wasn't what you're doing now, what would you do/be?" My reply? "I'd be queen."

I think I'd be good at it. I'd love all the glamorous aspects of getting to wear pretty dresses and getting your hair done. But I think I also would like the responsibility too. The power to make change happen and make the good changes. The ones that alter history and make justice happen.

In general I handle pressure well and I'm not easily manipulated, so I couldn't be tricked into much or forced into any arranged marriages that I didn't want. :)


"Just remember there's a price for being queen," Lori said to me earlier today.

The price of being queen? Can I even begin to grasp all that it would require of me?
Your life dictated from the moment you're born. What an awesome responsibility, but what a heavy burden as well. To always be told what to wear, when to eat, who to talk to, how to talk to them. There would never be any privacy so your whole life is on display for the public to nit pick and dissect. Everything subject because you represent your country, whether you like it or not.

No matter, because this was not meant to be my chosen profession nor my lifestyle, but I suppose in a very small way I will be queen of many things. My household, for one. I'm sure my husband won't appreciate that sentiment very much, but if he likes, I'll call him my "king". They kind of go hand-in-hand. And in that aspect of being queen of my little world, I'll have the same perks and demands on me as that of the Queen of England or Sweden. I'll get to wear pretty dresses and make changes in the world around me. I can make the same kinds of differences in the lives of those around me that I would if I was in charge of an entire country. Like most queens, as well, I'll be subject to the protocol that comes with being someone's wife. I wouldn't represent a country, but I will represent him. Everything I do must become subject to not only the fact that I represent Christ but I also represent my "king".

That's hard on my independence and pride. In fact, I can see how I will have moments when I just want to go where I want, do what I want, or say what I want and I can foresee how that will be a problem for me at times.

This is going to take a lot of work someday and I suppose I can get myself used to it now. Considering the fact that, no matter what, I know that my husband will be just as strong willed and opinionated as I am- so "clash of wills" might be an understatement.

I watch my mom handle this so graciously. The spit-fire inside of me thinks it's unfair at times, even though my dad is far from being an ogre of a husband, but in the small ways that she lays down her will to honor my dad and follow either his wishes or his mood swings (what? I know men have them too), she acts like a queen and through that she honors her God.
Being queen ultimately means that you dedicate your life to the lives of others- when it hurts and when it brings you glory. People will stand in awe and others will stand in criticism. *shrug* I guess that's just part of the job and if you think about it that's kind of what the "Proverbs 31 woman" is. But if I can get this through it all:

"Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

'Many women have done excellently,

but you surpass them all.'

Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

(Proverbs 31:28-30)

...I think the price of being queen might be worth it. ;)

5:19

Because it's just too perfect...

"I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you
That I'm ok
July came, I thought I had it all together
Until you said
'I need some space'
Truth be told
It's so hard to wait

One eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19....
I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go.

We both know that I could think myself dizzy
Right now I'm spinning around
You said, 'baby, don't worry'
But I just miss you right now
I said, I miss you right now

One eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19....
I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go.


Baby, take all the time you need
I just want you to know
I'll be here, waiting

With one eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19....
I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go. "

~"5:19", Matt Wertz

Mulling over Impossibility and the "How?"s

Can I tell you, I don't know how any of this will work? Ok, well, I don't know how this will work. I wonder if Joshua had similar thoughts when the Commander of the Lord's Army gave him the orders to march around the city of Jericho.

"What?? March around the city once a day for 6 days and then on the 7th march around it seven times and then yell... oh and have the priests blow their horns?" No wonder God told Joshua so many times to be strong and courageous and reassured Joshua's heart continually that He would fight the battle and the victory was already won. Looking out at all of those nations must have filled Joshua with an unnerving sense of impossibility. (I just finished Joshua, by the way, and it was so good, I kind of want to read it again.)

3 months ago my life made sense. I had clear thoughts and I didn't know it would be possible to love anymore than I loved at that moment. In a little over one week that confidence was completely blown out of the water and as I flew over Michigan towards Chicago I struggled to remember something, anything of what that confidence in the will of the God felt like. I felt like I had been drop-kicked in a sea of ambiguety. Being certain of two things/plans that don't seemingly relate to each other.

God has been so faithful to fill in the holes here and there, as He deems necessary, but there is still this huge gaping hole of "how" that my heart is suddenly begging to know. Because even in the midst of feeling sure of where I am to be right now I cannot shake this feeling of being unsettled and at times a fear of getting settled, only to be uprooted shortly thereafter.

I knew that this was going to be hard, but sometimes I'll sit in a room with my family think of how one day this won't be possible. Last night I was filled with the new knowledge that in the midst of all the other Kingdom reasons for being in Tipton County, Tennessee, God has given me the gift of living with my family once more, before I never will again.

Jim Elliot said, "The will of God is always a bigger deal than we bargin for," and as I sit typing and tears roll down my face, I can honestly say that I feel that to the depth of my being.
But how? It's impossible. We're talking about impossibly strong stubbornness and hurt feelings. How can anyone but an Almighty God clean up the mess that has been made and I know for certain that I had a hand in?

People's stories are usually so simple: *inhale* meet, fall in like, date/court (the lines of what the difference between the two of them have been blurring more and more for me lately), fall in love, proclaim said love, get engaged, plan wedding, get married, plan to not have kids for 5 years, have kids 3 years or more earlier than that, and begin the juggle of marriage, parenting, Christianity and paying the bills. *exhale*

Honestly, sounds a bit cookie-cutter from my angle, but it's alure is the little to no anguish or complication. I don't know if my story is different because I can handle the anguish of waiting and struggle or if it's simply because God chose this for me and I asked for that I long time ago.
I've always been a rebel in this aspect. While more Christians rebel against being Christian-like, I've always rebelled and strove to be Christ-like. I wanted to be like Paul and Joshua, Esther and Ruth. People who didn't lead normal lives.

The thing is, none of us are called to live "normal" lives. We're not even called to be normal. That's boring and the Christian life was never meant to be boring. If you're life in Christ is boring then you must have quit talking and listening to God, because he's fascinating and his plans are breathtaking even when they're heartwrenching.

Angus Buchan said, "For a miracle to occur, it takes difficulty. For a great miracle: impossibility."
At the beginning of reading the book of Joshua, God pointed out to me that most people know what this life that they are meant to live will cost them, but that few are willing to pay it. He knows that I'm willing to pay it and that I can pay it. However much I struggle, however many questions I ask or tears that I cry, He know that I am His and that He is mine.
He's got me like no one else ever will.

Taking the long way home...

The trip to the promise land could have been shorter than it actually took the Israelite to get there. This is common knowledge to anyone who has studied the Old Testement or even anyone who has gotten the curiosity to look at a map of their journey (and if you haven't take a look below). God led them on what we'd call "the long way." Then they differed their arrival by living in fear, rather than in faith, and wasted 40 more years.

Here's what I've put together today: Our "promised lands" are going to take a predetermined time. God is working his brilliance, aligning everything and everyone to fit in with the proclaiming of His glory. There could be a shorter way for us to get to what he has promised, but then how would we grow our trust in him and deepen our reliance on him? I've thought of ways to already be there by things that I maybe could have done different, but the wisdom of God comforts my heart to know that this "long way" is the way of his drawing me closer to him, and every step away from my "promise land" is one step deeper in intimacy with him.

Obedience is a way of freedom. It is a way of walking in his illumination as opposed to wandering in the darkness or in the desert.

In Prince Caspian, when Lucy saw Aslan in the forest and knew that he wanted her to follow him, she had no way of knowing how get over to where she had seen him. And then when no one believed her, she caved and didn't pursue him on her own. The result was the entire group finding themselves in danger, wasting time, only to find themselves back where she had said she'd seen Aslan and finding a way that was much safer to where they needed to be. Aslan later challenged Lucy that she should have followed even if no believed her. The first time I read that, I thought,"I would have gone after him! Even if no one really believed me, you couldn't have talked me out of what I had seen." It's true. I can't even talk myself out of what I've seen.

How quickly fear will talk us out of believing the promises of God.
How fast we are to doubt the fact that God's wisdom that we've prayed for hasn't been given.
If we give in we waste valuable time and God has to clean up our mess.
If we hold fast to the trust the God is faithful, all goes according to His original plan and timeline.

Because the thing is- what God has promised he will do. Nothing we do will defer him from being faithful. We can cause ourselves to have to wait longer, wandering and circling while he realigns the dominoes, but he will deliver every promise exactly as he has promised it. (Joshua 21:43-45)